You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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