i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
