nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
