My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
