I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize
