final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
