sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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