the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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