He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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