is your mom at the bar?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
