dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so explain again why im purple
no
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
