In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
