I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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