at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
