I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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