Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
