Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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