She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
