I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
