Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
just tell him i said nine months
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
