I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
