i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize
