She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
