She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
