sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
