Already got asked if we're dating
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
