Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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