I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
