I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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