Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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