When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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