Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
