the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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