some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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