my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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