What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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