I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
