happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
