Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Who died my cat blue again?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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