New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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