I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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