My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You may now shotgun with the bride
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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