I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
