I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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