I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
