you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
