I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
