K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm eating all of the evidence.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
