sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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