You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Randomize
